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The Duties of Parents – Conclusion
J. C. Ryle
First Printed in 1888
"Train up a child in the way he should go;
and when he is old, he will not depart from it"
– Prov. 22:6.
XIII. Train them remembering continually how God trains His children.
The Bible tells us that God has an elect people, – a family in this world.
All poor sinners who have been convinced of sin, and fled to Jesus for peace,
make up that family. All of us who really believe on Christ for salvation are its members.
Now God the Father is ever training the members of this family for their
everlasting abode with Him in heaven. He acts as a husbandman pruning his
vines, that they may bear more fruit. He knows the character of each of
us, – our besetting sins, – our weaknesses, our peculiar
infirmities, – our special wants. He knows our works and where we dwell, who
are our companions in life, and what are our trials, what our temptations, and
what are our privileges. He knows all these things, and is ever ordering all
for our good. He allots to each of us, in His providence, the very things we
need, in order to bear the most fruit, – as much of sunshine as we -can
stand, and as much of rain, – as much of bitter things as we can bear, and
as much of sweet. Reader, if you would train your children wisely, mark well
how God the Father trains His. He doeth all things well; the plan which He
adopts must be right.
See, then, how many things there are which God withholds from His children. Few could be found, I suspect, among them who have not had
desires which He has never been pleased to fulfil. There has often been some one
thing they wanted to attain, and yet there has always been some barrier to
prevent attainment. It has been just as if God was placing it above our reach,
and saying, "This is not good for you; this must not be." Moses
desired exceedingly to cross over Jordan, and see the goodly land of promise;
but you will remember his desire was never granted.
See, too, how often God leads. His people by ways which seem dark and mysterious to our eyes. We cannot see
the meaning of all His dealings with us; we cannot see the reasonableness of
the path in which our feet are treading. Sometimes so many trials have assailed
us, – so many difficulties encompassed us, – that we have not been able
to discover the needs-be of it all. It has been just as if our Father was
taking us by the hand into a dark place and saying, "Ask no questions, but
follow Me." There was a direct road from Egypt to Canaan, yet Israel was
not led into it; but round, through the wilderness. And this seemed hard at the
time. "The soul of the people," we are told,
"was much discouraged because of the way" (Exod. 13:17; Num. 21:4).
See, also, how often God chastens His people with trial and affliction. He sends them crosses and
disappointments; He lays them low with sickness; He strips them of property and
friends; He changes them from one position to another; He visits them with
things most hard to flesh and blood; and some of us have well-nigh fainted
under the burdens laid upon us. We have felt pressed beyond strength, and have
been almost ready to murmur at the hand which chastened us. Paul the Apostle
had a thorn in the flesh appointed him, some bitter bodily trial, no doubt, though we know not
exactly what it was. But this we know, – he besought the Lord thrice that it
might be removed; yet it was not taken away (II Cor. 12:8, 9).
Now, reader, notwithstanding all these things, did you ever hear of a single
child of God who thought his Father did not treat him wisely? No, I am sure you
never did. God's children would always tell you, in the long run, it was a
blessed thing they did not have their own way, and that God had done far better
for them than they could have done for themselves. Yes! And they could tell
you, too, that God's dealings had provided more happiness for them than
they ever would have obtained themselves, and that His way, however dark at
times, was the way of pleasantness and the path of peace.
I ask you to lay to heart the lesson which God's dealings with His people
is meant to teach you. Fear not to withhold from your child anything you think
will do him harm, whatever his own wishes may be. This is God's plan.
Hesitate not to lay on him commands, of which he may not at present see the
wisdom, and to guide him in ways which may not now seem reasonable to his mind. This is God's plan.
Shrink not from chastising and correcting him whenever you see his soul's
health requires it, however painful it may be to your feelings; and remember
medicines for the mind must not be rejected because they are bitter. This is God's plan.
And be not afraid, above all, that such a plan of training will make your child
unhappy. I warn you against this delusion. Depend on it, there is no surer road
to unhappiness than always having our own way. To have our wills checked and
denied is a blessed thing for us; it makes us value enjoyments when they come.
To be indulged perpetually is the way to be made selfish; and selfish people
and spoiled children, believe me, are seldom happy.
Reader, be not wiser than God; – train your children as He trains His.
XIV. Train them remembering continually the influence of your own example.
Instruction, and advice, and commands will profit little, unless they are
backed up by the pattern of your own life. Your children will never believe you
are in earnest, and really wish them to obey you, so long as your actions
contradict your counsel. Archbishop Tillotson made a wise remark when he said,
"To give children good instruction, and a bad example, is but beckoning to
them with the head to show them the way to heaven, while we take them by the
hand and lead them in the way to hell."
We little know the force and power of example. No one of us can live to himself
in this world; we are always influencing those around us, in one way or
another, either for good or for evil, either for God or for sin. – They see
our ways, they mark our conduct, they observe our behaviour, and what they see
us practise, that they may fairly suppose we think right. And never, I believe,
does example tell so powerfully as it does in the case of parents and children.
Fathers and mothers, do not forget that children learn more by the eye than
they do by the ear. No school will make such deep marks on character as home.
The best of schoolmasters will not imprint on their minds as much as they will
pick up at your fireside. Imitation is a far stronger principle with children
than memory. What they see has a much stronger effect on their minds than what they are told.
Take care, then, what you do before a child. It is a true proverb, "Who
sins before a child, sins double." Strive rather to be a living epistle of
Christ, such as your families can read, and that plainly too. Be an example of
reverence for the Word of God, reverence in prayer, reverence for means of
grace, reverence for the Lord's day. – Be an example in words, in
temper, in diligence, in temperance, in faith, in charity, in kindness, in
humility. Think not your children will practise what they do not see you do.
You are their model picture, and they will copy what you are. Your reasoning
and your lecturing, your wise commands and your good advice; all this they may
not understand, but they can understand your life.
Children are very quick observers; very quick in seeing through some kinds of
hypocrisy, very quick in finding out what you really think and feel, very quick
in adopting all your ways and opinions. You will often find as the father is, so is the son.
Remember the word that the conqueror Caesar always used to his soldiers in a battle. He did not say
"Go forward," but "Come."
So it must be with you in training your children. They will seldom learn habits
which they see you despise, or walk in paths in. which you do hot walk
yourself. He that preaches to his children what he does not practise, is
working a work that never goes forward. It is like the fabled web of Penelope
of old, who wove all day, and unwove all night. Even so, the parent who tries
to train without setting a good example is building with one hand, and pulling down with the other.
XV. Train them remembering continually the power of sin.
I name this shortly, in order to guard you against unscriptural expectations.
You must not expect to find your children's minds a sheet of pure white
paper, and to have no trouble if you only use right means. I warn you plainly
you will find no such thing. It is painful to see how much corruption and evil
there is in a young child's heart, and how soon it begins to bear fruit.
Violent tempers, self-will, pride, envy, sullenness, passion, idleness,
selfishnenss, deceit, cunning, falsehood, hypocrisy, a terrible aptness to
learn what is bad, a painful slowness to learn what is good, a readiness to
pretend anything in order to gain their own ends, – all these things, or
some of them, you must be prepared to see, even in your own flesh and blood. In
little ways they will creep out at a very early age; it is almost startling to
observe how naturally they seem to spring up. Children require no schooling to learn to sin.
But you must not be discouraged and cast down by what you see. You must not think it a strange and unusual thing, that little
hearts can be so full of sin. It is the only portion which our father Adam left
us; it is that fallen nature with which we come into the world; it is that
inheritance which belongs to us all. Let it rather make you more diligent in
using every means which seem most likely, by God's blessing, to counteract
the mischief. Let it make you more and more careful, so far as in you lies, to
keep your children out of the way of temptation.
Never listen to those who tell you your children are good, and well brought up,
and can be trusted. Think rather that their hearts are always inflammable as
tinder. At their very best, they only want a spark to set their corruptions
alight. Parents are seldom too cautious. Remember the natural depravity of your
children, and take care.
XVI. Train them remembering continually the promises of Scripture.
I name this also shortly, in order to guard you against discouragement.
You have a plain promise on your side, "Train up your child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he shall not depart from it"
(Prov. 22:6). Think what it is to have a promise like this. Promises were the only lamp of
hope which cheered the hearts of the patriarchs before the Bible was written. Enoch, Noah,
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, – all lived on a few promises, and prospered
in their souls. Promises are the cordials which in every age have supported and
strengthened the believer. He that has got a plain text upon his side need
never be cast down. Fathers and mothers, when your hearts are failing, and
ready to halt, look at the word of this text, and take comfort.
Think who it is that promises. It is not the word of a man, who may lie or repent; it is the word of the King
of kings, who never changes. Hath He said a thing, and shall He not do it? Or hath He spoken, and
shall He not make it good? Neither is anything too hard for Him to perform. The
things that are impossible with men are possible with God. Reader, if we get
not the benefit of the promise we are dwelling upon, the fault is not in Him,
but in ourselves.
Think, too, what the promise contains,
before you refuse to take comfort from it. It speaks of a certain time when
good training shall especially bear fruit, – "when a child is
old." Surely there is comfort in this. You may not see with your own eyes
the result of careful training, but you know not what blessed fruits may not
spring from it, long after you are dead and gone. It is not God's way to
give everything at once. "Afterward" is the time when He often
chooses to work, both in the things of nature and in the things of grace.
"Afterward" is the season when affliction bears the peaceable fruit of righteousness (Heb. 12:11).
"Afterward" was the time when the
son who refused to work in his father's vineyard repented and went (Matt.
21:29). And "afterward" is the time to which parents must look
forward if they see not success at once, – you must sow in hope and plant in hope.
"Cast thy bread upon the waters," saith the Spirit, "for thou shalt find it after many days"
(Eccles. 11:1). Many children, I doubt not, shall rise up in the day of judgment, and bless their parents for good
training, who never gave any signs of having profited by it during their
parents' lives. Go forward then in faith, and be sure that your labour
shall not be altogether thrown away. Three times did Elijah stretch himself
upon the widow's child before it revived. Take example from him, and persevere.
XVII. Train them, lastly, with continual prayer for a blessing on all you do.
Without the blessing of the Lord, your best endeavours will do no good. He has
the hearts of all men in His hands, and except He touch the hearts of your
children by His Spirit, you will weary yourself to no purpose. Water,
therefore, the seed you sow on their minds with unceasing prayer. The Lord is
far more willing to hear than we to pray; far more ready to give blessings than
we to ask them; – but He loves to be entreated for them. And I set this
matter of prayer before you, as the top-stone and seal of all you do. I suspect
the child of many prayers is seldom cast away.
Look upon your children as Jacob did on his; he tells
Esau they are "the children which God hath graciously given thy servant" (Gen. 33:5).
Look on them as Joseph did on his; he told his father,
"They are my sons, whom God hath given me" (Gen. 48:9). Count them with the Psalmist to
be "an heritage and reward from the Lord" (Ps. 127:3). And then
ask the Lord, with a holy boldness, to be gracious and merciful to His own
gifts. Mark how Abraham intercedes for Ishmael, because he loved him,
"Oh that Ishmael might live before thee" (Gen. 17:18). See how Manoah
speaks to the angel about Samson,
"How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him?"
(Judg. 13:12). Observe how tenderly Job cared for his children's souls,
"He offered burnt-offerings according to the number of them all, for he
said, It may be my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did
Job continually" (Job 1:5). Parents, if you love your children, go and do
likewise. You cannot name their names before the mercy-seat too often.
And now, reader, in conclusion, let me once more press upon you the necessity
and importance of using every single means in your power, if you would train children for heaven.
I know well that God is a sovereign God, and doeth all things according to the
counsel of His own will. I know that Rehoboam was the son of Solomon, and
Manasseh the son of Hezekiah, and that you do not always see godly parents
having a godly seed. But I know also that God is a God who works by means, and
sure am I, if you make light of such means as I have mentioned, your children
are not likely to turn out well.
Fathers and mothers, you may take your children to be baptized, and have them
enrolled in the ranks of Christ's church; – you may get godly sponsors
to answer for them, and help you by their prayers; – you may send them to
the best of schools, and give them Bibles and Prayer Books, and fill them with
head knowledge but if all this time there is no regular training at home,
I tell you plainly, I fear it will go hard in the end with your children's
souls. Home is the place where habits are formed; – home is the place where
the foundations of character are laid; – home gives the bias to our tastes,
and likings, and opinions. See then, I pray you, that there be careful training
at home. Happy indeed is the man who can say, as Bolton did upon his dying bed,
to his children, "I do believe not one of you will dare to meet me before
the tribunal of Christ in an unregenerate state."
Fathers and mothers, I charge you solemnly before God and the Lord Jesus
Christ, take every pains to train your children in the way they should go. I
charge you not merely for the sake of your children's souls; I charge you
for the sake of your own future comfort and peace. Truly it is your interest so
to do. Truly your own happiness in great measure depends on it. Children have
ever been the bow from which the sharpest arrows have pierced man's heart.
Children have mixed the bitterest cups that man has
ever had to drink Children have caused the saddest tears that man has ever had
to shed. Adam could tell you so; Jacob could tell you so; David could tell you
so. There are no sorrows on earth like those which children have brought upon
their parents. Oh! take heed, lest your own neglect should lay up misery for
you in your old age. Take heed, lest you weep under the ill-treatment of a
thankless child, in the days when your eye is dim, and your natural force abated.
If ever you wish your children to be the restorers of your life, and the
nourishers of your old age, – if you would have them blessings and not
curses – joys and not sorrows – Judahs and not Reubens – Ruths
and not Orpahs, – if you would not, like Noah, be ashamed of their deeds, and, like
Rebekah, be made weary of your life by them: if this be your wish, remember my
advice betimes, train them while young in the right way.
And as for me, I will conclude by putting up my prayer to God for all who read
this paper, that you may all be taught of God to feel the value of your own
souls. This is one reason why baptism is too often a mere form, and Christian
training despised and disregarded. Too often parents feel not for themselves,
and so they feel not for their children. They do not realize the tremendous
difference between a state of nature and a state of grace, and therefore they
are content to let them alone.
Now the Lord teach you all that sin is that abominable thing which God hateth.
Then, I know you will mourn over the sins of your children, and strive to pluck them
out as brands from the fire.
The Lord teach you all how precious Christ is, and what a mighty and complete
work He hath done for our salvation. Then, I feel confident you will use every means to bring your children to Jesus, that
they may live through Him.
The Lord teach you all your need of the Holy Spirit, to renew, sanctify, and quicken your souls.
Then, I feel sure you will urge your children to pray for Him without ceasing, and
never rest till He has come down into their hearts with power, and made them new creatures.
The Lord grant this, and then I have a good hope that you will indeed train up
your children well, – train well for this life, and train well for the life
to come; train well for earth, and train well for heaven; train them for God,
for Christ, and for eternity.
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